Elaine & Dick
My mom, Elaine and her new husband, Dick, were joined in a commitment ceremony on 9/3/11. It was so beautiful! Everyone loved the smiles and looks of adoring love on both their faces.
I am excited to announce that my mom, Elaine, and her beau, Dick, will be joining their lives in a commitment ceremony on 9/3/11. As most people know, they cannot get legally married as they will both lose income and at 83 and 86 years old, they cannot do that. They are so excited and so much in love. Everyone that hears their story is thrilled and loves hearing the message that finding love at any age is not only possible… IT HAPPENS!!!
I would like to say a word of thanks to the Arden Fair Macy’s shoe department… specifically sales clerk, Romona Fowler, and manager, Justino Santana. We’ve only had a few weeks (they both said at our age it would be stupid to wait) to pull off planning this “wedding” ceremony for my mom and Dick and her shoe order was inadvertently cancelled. I found this out when trying to discover why my mom’s shoes had not arrived yet. Romona and Justino came to rescue and fixed the problem with amazing customer service!! They are overnighting the shoes and making Macy’s error turn into a blessing of helpfulness, customer service and just an all around great attitude. Thank you Arden Fair Macy’s… YOU ROCK!!!
She sounded upset when she called. “What’s wrong, mom,” I asked with concern. My dad, her husband, died almost two years ago after 62 years of marriage. I have heard my mom upset many times since he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about ten years ago. My mom has braved all the changes and the loneliness of losing her life-long partner. She is a very strong person, but heartache hits even the most stoic.
“I’ve met someone and I don’t know what to do,” my mom said quietly. Since giving up her home and moving to the retirement residence, she has met lots of new people and made many new friends. I did not understand why this was any different.
“Okay,” I replied hesitantly. “What’s the problem?”
“He’s a man,” she wailed and began sobbing. I smiled. Good thing we were on the telephone.
“That’s wonderful, mom. So, again, what’s the problem? Are you afraid Dad would be upset that you have a male friend?”
“Heavens no,” she fired back. The tears were totally gone in an instant. “I just have no idea how to do this.”
I gulped, “do what?”
“Date,” she responded. I sighed with relief. “He asked me to go on a picnic with him and I don’t know what to do.”
“Can he drive?” I inquired with total awareness of the irony of that question. I flashed on myself at 16-years-old asking to go on a date with a boy and her asking me about his driving. “How old is he, mom?”
“He’s three years older than me.” This made her new suitor 86-years-old. “Of course he can still drive,” she said with that irritation in her voice that coincides with all the discussions about her driving. “He’s a very good driver.” I knew this meant that she had already been in the car with him, but since she is not 16-years-old and I am not her mother, I didn’t go there.
“I already checked him out,” my mom stated with authority. Again, I gulped.
“Checked out what?” I said hesitantly, again, relieved to be on the telephone so my face would not give away my feelings.
“Well, one of the first things he asked me was if I had diabetes. His wife died of diabetes complications after they’d been married 61 years. I told him that I did not have diabetes. I asked him if he had Alzheimer’s,“ she stated with assuredness. “He does not, so I told him I would go out with him.” I smiled.
Watching my mother’s relationship unfold with her new friend has been wonderful. I notice his eyes light up when he looks at her . I see a smile cross her face that has not been there in many years. I am so thrilled to see that people can be twitterpatted with each other at any age. It is never too late.
“I Didn’t Settle”
By Dr. Patricia L. Bay, Psy.D.
“I can’t believe that it was only a couple of years ago that I felt that life was not worth living, ” she said with a wry smile, her eyes twinkling. Reaching down to pull the lever that made my office chair recline, she continued, “I thought you were nuts when you told me that the challenges I was facing would have meaning and purpose someday.”
I stayed quiet as Pauline leaned back in the chair and gazed thoughtfully at the ceiling. She had come such a long way. A few years ago, the 43-year-old was devastated when her 20-year marriage ended. Her husband, whom she described as the love of her life, left with what he described as the love of his life. Pauline’s world was shattered. Everything she held dear was in question. Her intelligence, career goals, femininity, family values and her sense of self-worth were in turmoil.
Catapulted into a mental space that demanded she take a good hard look at herself, Pauline rose to the occasion and dove into deep, core-work therapy. This was not only about recovering from her grief and loss, but also for the first time, actively looking at who she was and what she wanted out of her life.
“When I look back on this whole journey of recovery and self-discovery, I laugh when I remember how I thought that was the hard part,” Pauline sighed. “When you started pushing on me to create the vibrant life I have always wanted, I figured out that the hardest part was about to begin.”
Pauline sat upright in the reclined chair and widened her deep brown eyes. “I remember the first time you asked me if I had considered dating, again.” She flopped back into the chair feigning being shot and started laughing. I smiled at the joy radiating from her face. “That opened up a whole other can of worms. Dating! My first thought was how would I ever trust men again. It absolutely frightened me to death.”
The silence hung in the air for a few moments as we both considered her words. “I think the turning point was when it became clear that the person I needed to trust was myself, not men,” Pauline whispered. “It amazes me to think of how many times you had to tell me not to settle, but to follow my vision of a vibrant life. This dating gig is not so much about trying to meet the perfect guy, but about staying true to yourself while being available to the world.”
I looked at her and smiled, caught up in her enthusiasm. “So tell me about him. Details, woman, details,” I encouraged with a laugh.
“For starters,” Pauline replied as she pushed the recliner into an upright position, “I didn’t settle.”
I decided that I would step into my blog. Numerous people have asked me to get it going so that we can have a forum to discuss important issues. So many people are dealing with finding a great partner. I thought I would start off with an article I wrote about dating. I am looking forward to great discussions.
Dr. Patty
DATING… Again
By Dr. Patricia L. Bay, Psy.D.
Published in W Magazine, October 2009
Relationship break-ups can be challenging and bring up all kinds of emotions. One of the most terrifying aspects of being single is reentering the dating world. Even the most capable, confident and powerful woman can feel a bit freaked out by the prospect of “being out there” again. Dating does not have to be frightening. It can actually be fun if you follow a few simple rules.
BE YOURSELF — It is fine to take stock in your attributes and put your best foot forward. Maybe your confidence would be boosted by a new hairstyle, cosmetic update or dating outfit. The important thing is that you are being yourself. Feel confident that you are being honest about the true you.
DO NOT DO A “180″ — This means do not automatically date people who are exactly the opposite of your former partner. That will not insure compatibility.
MAKE A “PERFECT PARTNER” LIST — Go on, list all the things you have always wanted in a mate. Do not compromise and do not forget really important things such as honesty, integrity, financial stability and “attractive to me.” The list will be 25-50 items long if you do a complete inventory of your likes and dislikes. This is where you can put attributes you have always wanted but have never had in a partner. For example, if you were with an alcoholic in your prior relationship and have always longed for someone who is a minimal social drinker, like you, put that on your list. If you were with a “stick-in-the-mud” and long for someone more social, put it on the list. Remember the things on the list are not the items others want for you. They are the things you really want in a relationship.
TAKE IT SLOWLY — Learning how to trust is a key ingredient in this recipe for successful dating. If you look at dating as taking someone through the Trusting Levels*, then you start out with daytime, public, time-limited dates that allow you to get to know someone before you are in a more intimate situation. Examples of first dates might be meeting for coffee (no alcohol involved), or lunch when you have to get back to work, or walking the Sacramento River Trail (drive your own car).
You might need to kiss a few toads before you find a handsome prince. Don’t get discouraged. Chalk it up to experience in finding the type of person that is interesting to you. Whether you decide to meet people through family, friends or internet dating, follow these simple rules to stay safe and have a great time rediscovering the people out there.
* For more complete information on learning to trust, read chapter two in my book, Therapy In A Nutshell — 10 Simple Lessons That Will Change Your Life. (Available at the Shasta County Library, A Charming Little Shoppe and Java or Amazon.com)
Hello and welcome to my new blog. Content will be posted soon.
Blessings,
Dr. Patty
Patricia Leigh Bay, Psy.D. is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist with a private practice in Redding, California. Since 1979 she has loved working with children, adolescents, adults, families and relationships.